by Dan Bloom
ATLANTA,GA(RUSHPRNEWS)09/27/2008 — A set of 20-year-old research papers by warring academics fighting over the spermicidal powers of Coke and Pepsi has recently been uncovered and threatens to make waves again amidst today’s current downturn in the global economy.
That’s right, a paper in the Journal of Human Toxicology titled “The Spermicidal Potency of Coca-Cola and Pepsi-Cola” and an earlier paper in the New England Journal of Medicine in Boston have resurfaced after years of archival neglect.
One teams used a “trans-membrane migration method” to study the effect of Coke on sperm, while the other team of academics used alternative methods to study how Pepsi figures into the same equation.
One team, in fact, discovered that Coca-Cola as an effective spermicide, while the other team disapproved that assertion.
Fortunately, your tax monies were not used to fund this research, and there were no earmarks attached to any Congressional legislation at the time referring to such silliness.
In a published abstract of the second team’s 1987 paper, the intrepid researchers noted: “The inhibitory effect of Old Coke, caffeine-free New Coke, New Coke, Diet Coke and Pepsi-Cola on human sperm motility was studied using a trans-membrane migration method. None of them could decrease sperm motility to less than 70 percent of control within one hour.”
The opposing paper also noted: “A previous study published in the New England Journal of Medicine which claimed a marked variation of spermicidal potency among different formulations of Coca-Cola could not be confirmed. Even if cola has a spermicidal effect, its potency is relatively weak as compared with other well-known spermicidal agents.”
And the paper, unaware that it would unearthed 20 years later and applauded in high places of academic tomfoolery, concluded: “Testing of various cola formulas on sperm motility using a trans-membrane procedure did not decrease motility to less than 70 percent control in a one-hour period. Diet Coca-Cola had the strongest spermicidal effect followed by Classic Coca-Cola, Caffeine-free Coca-Cola and New Coca-Cola. Since there are no known substances in cola that effect cellular membranes, the results of these tests were not unusual.”
A final note asserted: ” Other tests have been done using higher dilution of cola which could effect sperm motility and give different results for spermicidal potency. The results show that cola has little if any spermicidal effect. Its use in post coital douching is ineffective and could cause complications such as infection.”
Now you might be wondering what the fuss is all about and how these two warring academic papers were unearthed in the bowels of dusty old archival buildings in the nation’s capital, and I cannot tell you today.
But stay tuned to RUSHPRNEWS this week, because on Thursday the truth will out, and there will no holding back the naked applause.
Suffice it to say that the spermicidal tendencies of Coke and Pepsi, in all their flavorful variations, will soon make headlines around the world and cause mirth in many places of higher learning worldwide.
Want to know more of the penetrating details? Contact this reporter before the end of this week, in strictest confidence, of course. Or post your comment right here, and battle it out in the open.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Dan Bloom is a science columnist for RUSHPRNEWS. Although he flunked his science requirement at Tufts University in the 1960s due to a total lack of concentration, he was allowed to graduate due to the kindness of strangers.
To contact the author about this important news scoop before it leaks out to the mainstream media, email him at: firstname.lastname@example.org